Andromeda's Lament
by Dianna Silver
Summary: What may have gone through Kanae's mind just before the anime audience sees her for the last time.


Andromeda's Lament  
A Shoujo Kakumei Utena fanfic.  
  
  
In the way of fairytales, the princess finds a handsome prince and lives happily ever after.  
  
How I wish I were not a princess. Surely those in less exalted states are free to be happier.  
  
No, I must be happy. I have no other fate.  
  
I tried once to shake off my fate. Not willingly, I must admit. I saw that sable flower, that sharp stem pointed like a dagger. After dredging up everything within me I hated and despised, faced with the dark beauty of it all, I knew how wrong it was. I wanted to run, but it was forced onto me, like everything else.  
  
That time seems as a dream. Only in the deepest of my dreams do I see myself as the champion of the dark rose, standing against the would-be prince. She didn't save me.  
  
No one can.  
  
I am just another in a world of princesses, just another to be used in a greater scheme of things. How I wish I could tear my heart from my chest! How I wish that dark rose had killed any feeling I have; how I wish everything was numb and insensate.  
  
I stare up at the doors that guard the way up to the planetarium room. He's up there again, surrounded by the illusions of the pristine night sky he seems overly fond of. As always, he comes to me only when he needs something, or when I complain enough. Otherwise, I'm just a pretty little decoration, the trophy that he must put up with in order to be assured of his place here.  
  
I want to storm up there and demand the attention I deserve. I want to stay here, dreading what I would find should I give in to temptation. I tried once before, and failed. Like the whisper of a forgotten dream, I fleetingly recall when I had power, power that was given to me only to have it burn fast and bright and to no effect.  
  
Princesses have no power, truly. We have only what we are given by those around us. We hold the key to power to be siezed by others. We cannot wield it ourselves.  
  
Slowly, I lift a hand and press the button. Without a sound, the doorway splits and slides apart, revealing the elevator up to the highest room in the tower. From there, you can see over the entire campus. It had been my father's room, before he became too ill to oversee the running of Ohtori Academy. I recall it being a happier, brighter place then, when I used to wander about as a little girl, asking of my father with that curiosity youth has. He took the time to answer, to set aside what he was doing and show me something, to make for me the time I wanted.  
  
I miss him. Ever since that... *witch* showed up, he's been very ill, removed from the academy he loved so well, kept away in a hospital bed. Mother keeps an eye on things, but it's truly my prince, my dear Akio, that runs the day-to-day business of the school.  
  
He makes time for Mother. He makes time for that creepy little sister of his. He makes time for that tomboy Utena Tenjou. He makes time for Touga Kiryuu. He makes time for *everyone* save me.  
  
I step past the silent, twin sentenals of the doorway, those rose-decorated panels that had hidden the elevator away. Slowly, I turn around, my feet dragging as I do so, waiting for the doors to slide shut again. As the compartment shuts me in, preparing to take me up to the place my fiancee has claimed as his own, my mind turns again to the thoughts that plague me. Why am I not enough? I've done everything in my power to make him happy, yet I can see it in his gorgeous emerald eyes. I'm just a means to an end. Maybe there's a part of him that truly cares, but it cares about everyone else and I'm just a drop in an endless sea. I stay quiet, usually. It's my place to just accept, and yet... Why must I give up everything for his sake? Why can't I be given what I need, what I want as well? What's the use of compromising, of giving up and giving in, of doing everything I think he wants when what I get is ignored. I have no special place. All that matters is what I can give him.  
  
I feel the floor move under me...  
  
I'm on my way...  
  
Closer and closer to the zenith of the campus I get, to that room that oversees everything that goes on in this world of the academy. My father's pride and joy, though he always had a spot in his heart that I alone held, ruled now by another of his choosing. I should respect my father's choice; Akio certainly does keep things flowing smoothly. I'll give him that much. Father at least judged that part of his character well. But is it worth my unhappiness? Somehow, I don't think Father would approve.  
  
I feel another twinge of anger. Somehow, Mother thinks there's nothing wrong. I confided in her my dissastisfaction; she assured me that she would see to it that Akio gave me the attention I deserved. One conversation with my beloved prince up in the room that even now awaits my slow climb within the elevator and she's suddenly averring that all's well, that I must be imaginging things. Worst of all, Mother seem to show little concern for the length of Father's illness...  
  
The vehicle stops with a little jolt, one that echoes the lurch within my heart. Then the doors slide apart.  
  
I take a breath, feeling a sudden frission of fear. I step forward, into the shadowed darkness. "Akio?"  
  
No answer.  
  
I take a few more steps, toward the white couch. I see him, his back to me, that gorgeous mane of pale lavender hair crowning him and spilling over the back of the couch. The planetarium is on, the illusion of a night sky shining down on me, on this room that is the highest one in all of Ohtori.  
  
I do my best to still my pounding heart. I close the distance between us swiftly, wanting to get it over with. If there's something to this feeling of dread, I'd rather face it now.  
  
Dark skin. Long, unbound, dark purple hair, dark hair twining with hair of a far paler shade...  
  
I want to scream, but nothing comes out. The betrayal...  
  
But I should have known. I was never anything special. All that was special was what I could give him.  
  
Damn it all. Even seeing *this*, I still love him. I should *hate* him, as much as I hate that witch that lies there with him.  
  
He shifts slightly, smirking up at me. How sure of himself he seems. He knows how much I need him, how much I've come to depend on him and what little scraps of attention he gives me. Even *this* doesn't make me want to turn and run near as much as facing the sharp dagger of that black rose had made me feel.  
  
That witch of a sister moves, getting off him, even as he sits up straighter. Akio reaches forward, grabbing me by the wrist, tugging me down. I don't resist; I'm still too stunned to really do anything at all. I feel myself falling, coming to rest sitting next to him, aware of the heat of him, of the heat of his sister on the other side of me.  
  
"Come now, my love, my princess. I can make your greatest desire come true," he purrs next to my ear. Just as his words register, coming to me through my shocked daze, I feel his strong hand on my jaw, pressing open my mouth. Other hands move at the edge of my vision, and I feel something being slipped between my lips, tasting of apple and bitterness, promising a type of oblivion.  
  
I sit there and accept this. Yes, he knows what I truly want. He's always known, hasn't he? I eat the drugged apple, knowing that -- finally -- I'll feel no more.  
  
I love you, Akio. I'll do anything for you, even this... 


End file.
